JOKES FOR OLD PEOPLE
(and the ones who are rapidly getting there)
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very
well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking
suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a
good after shave, presenting a well looked-after
image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, in
her mid-eighties. The gentleman walks over, sits
alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip,turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems
for a number of years. He went to the doctor and
the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set
of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the
doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is
perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my
family yet. I just sit around and listen to the
conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
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Two elderly gentlemen from a
retirement center
were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and
says:
"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of
aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a newborn
baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's
house, and after eating, the wives left the table
and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were
talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to
a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very
highly.
The other man said, "What is the name of the
restaurant?" The first man thought and thought
and finally said, "What is the name of that
flower you give to someone you love? You know...
the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then
turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose,
what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
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Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for
patients being discharged. However, while working
as a
student nurse, I found one elderly
gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed
with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he
didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he
reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On
the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in
the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
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A couple in their nineties, are both having
problems remembering things. During a checkup,
the doctor tells them that they're physically
okay, but they might want to start writing things
down to help them remember. Later that night,
while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you
can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top,
too.Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember Ice cream and strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll
forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it
down, I can remember it! Ice cream with
strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for
goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from
the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon
and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast?"
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A
senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
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Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
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A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a
new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand
dollars, but it's
state
of the art. It's
perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve
thirty."
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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to
get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw
Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous
young
woman on his arm. A couple of days later,
the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't
you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc:
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said,
'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"
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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice
cream parlor and pulled himself slowly,
painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his
breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed
nuts?"
"Nope," he replied, "Arthritis..
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A touch of humour to start the week ....
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because
he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking
place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on
me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every
Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish
Whiskey"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up
again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven? O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father. The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
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Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and
watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The
cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay
pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd
done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the
sidewalk. After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the
tenth time, Paddy went over to him and
said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
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Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets
stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper
smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an
empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir,
have you been drinking?" Just water," says the priest. The
trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks
at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"
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Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the
bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little
woman." "Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how
did this one end?" "When it was over," Mike replied, "she
came to me on her hands and knees. "Really," said Charles,
"now that's a switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come
out from under the bed, you little chicken."
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Flynn staggered home very late after another evening
with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to
avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he
could toward the stairs leading to their upst airs bedroom,
but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by
grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed
heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket
broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing
not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and
looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were
cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of
Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on
each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty
Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?" Flynn said, "Why do you say such a mean thing? " Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
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Thought for the Day: If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it. If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it. He sends you flowers every spring. He sends you a sunrise every morning. Face it, friend - He is crazy about you!
An Irishman’s philosophy
“There are only two things to worry about:
Either you are well or you are sick.
If you are well,
Then there is nothing to worry about.
But if you are sick,
There are two things to worry about:
Either you will get well or you will die.
If you get well,
There is nothing to worry about.
If you die,
There are only two things to worry about:
Either you will go to heaven or hell.
If you go to heaven there is nothing to worry about.
But if you go to hell,
You’ll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends,
You won’t have time to worry!!
Why Worry!!
See you soon!
Up the rebels!
Pablo Luis Walsh (Olivos)
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NINE FAMOUS IRISHMEN
In the Young Irish disorders, in Ireland in 1848, the following nine men were captured, tried, and convicted of treason against Her Majesty, the Queen. These men were sentenced to death: John Mitchell, Morris Lyene, Pat Donahue, Thomas McGee, Charles Duffy, Thomas Meagher, Richard Gorman, Terrence McManus and Michael Ireland.
Before passing sentence, the judge asked if there was anything that anyone wished to say. Thomas Meagher, speaking for all, said: “My Lord, this is our first offense but not our last. If you will be easy with us this time, we promise, on our word, as gentlemen, to try to do better next time, and next time we won’t be foolish enough to get caught.”
Thereupon the indignant judge sentenced them all to be hanged by the neck until dead, and drawn and quartered. Passionate protest from the entire world forced Queen Victoria to commute the sentence to transportation for life to far wild Australia.
In 1874 word reached the astounded Queen Victoria that the Sir Charles Duffy who had been elected Prime Minister of Australia was the same Charles Duffy who had been transported 25 years before. On the Queen’s demand, the records of the rest of the transported men were revealed and this is what was uncovered:
1. THOMAS FRANCIS MEAGHER, Governor of Montana
2. TERRENCE McMANUS, Brigadier General, United States Army
3. PATRICK DONAHUE, Brigadier General, United States Army
4. RICHARD GORMAN, Governor General of Newfoundland
5. MORRIS LYENE, Attorney General of Australia, in which office
6. MICHAEL IRELAND succeeded him.
7. THOMAS D’ARCY McGEE, Member of Parliament, Montreal, Minister of
8. JOHN MITCHELL, Prominent New York politician. This man was the father
of John Purroy Mitchell, Mayor of New York, at the outbreak of World
War I
9. CHARLES DUFFY, Prime Minister of Australia
